damon, i'm going to hell!
by mildlyholmes
Summary: "Dear diary. A chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. The lie will haunt me forever." /in which Stefan really meets a talking chipmunk. Hilarity ensues. Damon/Stefan brother bonding fluff because fluff is good. Used to be called the other side of the woods.


Stefan was out hunting, since he'd last fed two days ago. He was hungry and rightfully so. His sharp eyes sought out a rabbit, and he quietly followed it with a predator's stance. Just as he was about to pounce –

"Oh my, looks like we have a visitor today, folks!"

Stefan whirled around, looking for the source of the voice. His eyes landed on a chipmunk, perched on a low branch, who was staring at him with excited eyes.

He shook his head, pinching himself. What the hell was that?

"Chipmunks talking to you," Stefan muttered to himself, "first signs that you're going mad. Keep it together, Stef."

"Aw, look, he's talking to himself!" the chipmunk squealed, and Stefan frowned.

"How are you talking to me?" he questioned, watching the chipmunk shrug it's shoulders.

"How should I know? I've been trying to befriend you for days!" It giggled in its high-pitched voice. "My name is Darcy," it went on, "what's yours?"

Thinking it might be a spell gone wrong and a way Klaus could ruse Stefan in, he lied. "Joe," he said quickly, hoping the chipmunk wouldn't catch his lie.

"Nice to meet you Joe!" Darcy the chipmunk beamed. "What are you doing in the woods? You're the only human I ever see around here."

"Um… I'm not –" he caught himself before saying that he wasn't human. "I mean," he said quickly, "I like it out here. The fresh air is nice."

The chipmunk nodded. "It is!" he agreed excitedly. Stefan wasn't sure if it was excited to meet a new friend, or if chipmunks were just normally excitable. "But I bet you've never been to the other side of the woods before. Come on, I'll show you!" Without another word, the chipmunk flew from tree to tree, heading towards the opposite direction.

Stefan stood there, dumbstruck. Not in his century and a half of living did he ever come across a talking animal. And he spent a _lot _of time in the woods. _Maybe it's because you've been trying to kill the animals, not make friends, _a voice at the back of his head said.

The chipmunk suddenly appeared in front of Stefan. "What are you waiting for? It's okay, you can trust me, we're friends!" Darcy said enthusiastically, and headed towards the opposite direction again.

Stefan felt oddly touched by the animal's declaration of friendship. It was nice to be friends with an innocent little thing that knew nothing about not trusting strangers. "Coming!" he called out after Darcy, and followed the chipmunk with inhuman speed.

An hour and a half later, Stefan headed back towards the boarding house, feeling happy but guilty. Darcy had introduced him to his family, and fed him some of the best fruits and acorns the woods had to offer. After that, they had played a game of tag with Stefan, delighted at his inhuman speed. They questioned Stefan about his life, and he mostly fed them lies.

Was it wrong to lie to them? What if the gods – or whatever it is that's up there – had gifted him and he repaid them by lying to these creatures? Today had proved that he could be friends with a whole other species. _But I eat animals! _he thought, panicked. But then, he ate humans too and they're his friends.

Stefan nervously walked into his room, looking around for any signs that the gods might be punishing him. He promised to himself that next time, if he met Darcy again, he'd tell him the truth.

Stefan sat down at his desk, flipping through his diary. He put his pen down to paper, intent on recording what had happened to him earlier.

"Dear diary," someone recited, and Stefan looked up to see Damon casually leaning against the doorframe. "A chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. The lie will haunt me forever."

Stefan turned white as Damon smirked at him. How did Damon know? Why did he want to torture him with that? Stefan already knew that the lie would haunt him forever – Darcy was a hospitable, friendly and welcoming chipmunk that didn't deserve to be lied to!

"I'm sorry!" Stefan wailed. "He didn't deserve that! I'm such a bad person for lying to my friends – all of them! Darcy and Minnie and Mother Hugger and –"

"'Mother Hugger'?" Damon repeated, bewildered. "What?"

"I lied to him!" Stefan went on. "He was so nice to me, he said he wanted to be friends! And I lied to him! Oh my god, I'm going to hell!"

Stefan sank down on his bed and sobbed while Damon stood there, completely baffled.

"Um, there, there," Damon said, awkwardly patting Stefan's shoulder as his little brother continued to wail.

"I'm going to hell!" Stefan cried.

"Hate to break it to you, Stef, but we're already in hell," Damon joked, hoping to earn a laugh from Stefan.

"Oh my god!" Stefan straightened up suddenly. "What if Klaus comes after Elena? And what if he starts stalking us again and does terrible things? It'll be all my fault!" Damon watched as Stefan put his hands together and looked up to the ceiling. "I'm sorry God, I'm sorry God!" he chanted, and Damon suddenly realized that his brother was _praying._

"Stefan! We're technically dead, so praying won't do you any good," Damon said, still bewildered by his brother's actions. Stefan looked at him, horrified, when a squirrel jumped on the window still and grinned at the both of them.

"Darcy told me to tell you that you're welcome to visit anytime, Joe!" the squirrel said cheerfully as Damon's mouth dropped open in shock.

"Did that – _did that squirrel just talk_?" Damon asked incredulously just as Stefan launched himself into Damon's arms, hanging onto his brother for dear life.

"Make it go away, Damon!" Stefan screeched. "I'm such a bad person, I'm going to hell!" he kept repeating and burst into tears.

Damon walked up to the window still, dropping Stefan in the process. The younger Salvatore latched himself onto his brother's leg, wrapping his own legs around it. Damon looked down, annoyed, before staring the squirrel in the eye.

"Um, shoo," he told it. The squirrel scampered off, giggling hysterically.

Damon looked down at Stefan, about to tell him to get off when he saw the terrified look on his brother's face. Damon sighed, crouching down the best he could to meet his brother's scared green eyes. "Don't worry, Stef," he said gently. "You're not going to hell – I won't let them take you."

Stefan looked up at him with wide eyes. "Really, Damon?"

"Really," Damon said firmly. He stood up properly, straightening his shirt. "Come on, I'll make you some hot chocolate." Stefan refused to let go of his leg, so Damon walked down the stairs with his brother latched to his leg.

He didn't expect to find the whole gang – Caroline, Bonnie, Elena, Matt and Jeremy – staring at them with confused yet humourous expressions.

"Great, just great," Damon said, rolling his eyes. He shook his leg, but Stefan still stayed on. "He's a bit out of his head at the moment, so if you all could just get out, that'd be great," he said pleasantly, addressing the group.

"No, man, this is too funny to miss," Jeremy laughed, and as if a spell had been broken, the rest of them started laughing.

"Dae, can I have hot chocolate?" Stefan asked in a timid voice, and the group laughed even louder.

"Sure, Stef," Damon sighed, heading to the kitchen and trying to drown out the sound of them laughing behind him. "But you're doing the explaining."

**A/N: well… this is different from my usual stuff, but I seriously love what Damon said about the chipmunk, it made me laugh so hard. And then I started wondering, what if that really happened? So, ta-da, this is produced. Review!**


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